the woods are lovely/dark and deep/but i have promises to keep/and miles to go before i sleep (denver premieres 2/06/09)

I have clothes older than this weekend's big star.

He's Not That Into You - Through long hours of painstainking internet research, it's become clear to us here at the Projection Booth that this film, an adaptation of a self-help book for people who think that the things which happen in the hour Oprah Winfrey occupies on daytime television has some relationship to reality, is nothing more than a plot by the lizard people who live in the center of the earth to steal the last of the employed, youngish urban professional-type women and make them into mindless sexbot killers. If a loved one, co-worker, or neighbor has mistakenly entered a theatre playing this film (which features Scarlett Johanssen, Scarlett Johanssen's boobs, Jennifer Connelly, Drew Barrymore, the Mac guy, and some other blandly handsome second-tier leading man types), you may still have a chance to save them: look them in the eyes and recite the lines from the Robert Frost poem we've inserted in the title of this post. Stay calm, and don't worry - the lizard people may have their hypno-date movies, their weather control machines, and their USOs, but we still have key bits of dialogue we can rip from classic spy films. (Dex as Richard "Ringo" Langly from the X-files- pictured center)

Push - Not only is Push a new movie with that guy from Amistad, Chris Evans, Camilla Belle, and a weirdly-Uma-Thurman's-daughter-looking Dakota Fanning about people who shop at the Gap and have super powers, "push" also happens to be a very funny word if you stare at it for a while. Push. Push. Push. Hectare is also another funny word. (Dex)

The Pink Panther 2- Steve Martin returns as Inspector Clouseau for this second installment in the updated Pink Panther series. Although I don't really have a problem with the idea of putting a new actor in the role of Clouseau and retooling the Pink Panther franchise for a new audience, I have to say that the makers of these new films don’t really give me any reason to think that it’s a particularly good idea either. I do hope though, that what ever financial hole Steve Martin has gotten himself into can be climbed out of on the backs of the gullible and humorless that will spend their hard earned money to see this movie. If you are one of these people, at least you have the comfort of knowing that Roberto Benigni is not in this version as Clouseau Jr. (Pike)

Coraline- Although I have seen nothing in the pre-release material for Coraline to get me interested in or, conversely, irritated by this movie, I can’t deny that the visual design Henry Selick brought to this project is pretty interesting. I have a feeling that this movie is going to be the City of Lost Children for today’s Tween crowd. What I mean is that no matter how ultimately hollow or uninteresting the narrative might be, the atmospheric spell that the film’s visual creativity casts upon the receptive viewer will long live in that person’s imagination. Just for that reason alone, this might be the best option from this week’s crap list of new releases. (Pike)

Eden- The producers of last year's “two people fall in love through the power of music” feel-good hit Once bring us this feel-bad story about a marriage falling apart. Although I appreciate the symmetry in their distribution model, I really hope that these “producers” stop with the cloying indie preciousness. After watching the trailer for this movie I am beginning to realize that today’s indie cinema is overrun by pasty-faced dorks who think that the cinematic equivalent of a Bjork ballad is the emotive high water mark they should be aiming for in their narrative films. If I see another movie coming out about grown men and women who deal with a bumpy relationship like a bunch of over-emotive high school drama class nerds, I'm going to find a rifle and a water tower just outside of Park City, Utah around the time of the Sundance Film Festival and make a day of it. Grow the fuck up people! Our parent's and grandparent's generation made it through times where drunken beatings, psychological abuse and family abandonment were the norm and you are worried about a little lack of intimacy!?! Go fuck yourselves you pathetic losers! Sorry... sorry kids, shhhh, don't cry. I didn't mean to yell. shhhh... it'll be alright. We'll go out and get ice cream. Does that sound good? Alright then, go get your cardigan sweaters on and we'll go... (Pike)

1 comment:

Dex said...

Sorry... sorry kids, shhhh, don't cry. I didn't mean to yell. shhhh... it'll be alright. We'll go out and get ice cream. Does that sound good? Alright then, go get your cardigan sweaters on and we'll go...

pike, pictured here as stanley "stella!" kowalski.