i love it when you call me blog posta: denver premieres for 1/16/09

In a surprise ending to Notorious, the mall cop Paul Blart is revealed as Biggie's murderer.

Pike Pike Pike can't you see - sometimes your blogposts just hypnotize me!

Notorious - Proof positive His Bigness knew he was going to die! What's that? You still don't believe? Well, if he didn't use his hip hop powers to divine a Biggie-less future, then how come he wrote the perfect tagline to this posthumous biopic all the way back in 1993: "If you don't know/now you know."

If you didn't know - now, NOW, you'll know. Eh? Eh? (Dex)

Pray the Devil Back to Hell - Probably, the only film opening this week that isn't a waste of time is this documentary playing over at the Starz FilmCenter. Their synopsis reads:

"Shortly after warlord-turned-president Charles Taylor was elected in 1997, Liberia erupted into civil war for the second time in a decade. Child soldiers ran rampant through the streets of Monrovia, terrorizing the local population, while the opposition group—Liberians United for Reconciliation and Democracy—moved in, destroying much of the countryside as they went. After more than 250,000 people were killed and upwards of a million displaced, thousands of women from around the country banded together to achieve what their male compatriots could not: an end to the killing and a movement toward peace. Mothers and daughters, grandmothers and sisters, Christians and Muslims, all dressed in plain white, gathered together in protest every day for months along President Taylor’s official route, singing and brandishing picket signs. Eventually, peace talks commenced in Ghana—but when even those appeared on the verge of breakdown, these brave women surrounded the building and refused to let the negotiators leave until a deal was brokered. Gini Reticker uses an eye-opening combination of archival footage, international media coverage, and interviews with the activists to create not only an uplifting portrait of human courage in the face of dire circumstances but a record of transformation for an entire nation. Following the culmination of the peace talks, Charles Taylor fled the country and Ellen Johnson Sirleaf was elected the first female president of Liberia."

As for the rest of the movies opening in theaters this week, well, what can I say? Initially I was going to fill this post with some hateful, obscenity-filled bile aimed at these films and the people who made them, but as the inauguration of our next president, Barack Obama, is coming up next Tuesday, I feel we as Americans must turn over a new leaf. It should no longer be acceptable for us to just sit back, nonchalantly resigned to apathy, bitching and blogging about the woes of the world. We must get involved! We must step up to the plate by either providing new ideas to explore or by generating some alternative solutions to the problems of today. So, with that in mind, I will now make my first baby steps into this proactive new world by offering not the angry complaints of yesterday but some helpful alternatives for today. Below I have provided a basic description of the movie being released, the type of film it is aiming to be and an alternative film that I can guarantee will be a more enjoyable viewing experience. Oh, and yes, you are welcome.

Hotel for Dogs - A group of plucky kids build a fantastically automated hotel for dogs while Don Cheadle goes slumming for a buck.

The movie this movie wanted to be: a decaffeinated version of Spy Kids

A better alternative: Babe: Pig in the City

My Bloody Valentine 3-D - Patrick Lussier, Wes Craven's favorite editor (and a director in his own right with such classics as White Noise 2, The Prophecy 3 and Dracula 2000 under his belt), jumps on board the horror remake train. Choo choo, all aboard!

The movie this movie wanted to be: My Bloody Valentine

A better alternative: Pieces

Paul Blart: Mall Cop - Adam Sandler produces and Kevin James stars in this comedy about a mall cop who must thwart a mall break-in.

The movie this movie wanted to be: The Die Hard of mall comedy

Better alternatives: Dawn of the Dead and Chopping Mall

Defiance - Fuck do I hate Edward Zwick! He is one of the most middlebrow, doughy, white-bread, half-assed, Hollywood faux-liberals who, apparently, doesn't realize that his tales of "conscientious" white men embroiled in the plights of various non-white ethnicities are about as reprehensibly racist and backhandedly anti-humanist as you can get. I hope he dies in a horrible car accident. Oh, I'm sorry, I did some backsliding there. What I meant to say was that this is a movie about the Bielski partisans who, formed by three brothers and thirteen of their neighbors, saved 1200 Jews during the Holocaust by hiding them in a dense forest near their home. But come on, do I really need to point out the alarmingly condescending way that the films Glory, The Last Samurai and Blood Diamond treat their non-white characters?

The movie this movie wanted to be: Schindler's List with more shoot-outs

A better alternative: The Battle of Algiers (or if Nazi resistance is your thing then try Andrzej Wajda's Kanal)

Last Chance Harvey - Harvey (Dustin Hoffman) goes to London to attend his daughter's wedding but once there finds that his daughter has chosen to have her stepfather give her away in the ceremony. Dejected, Harvey ends up in an airport bar where he runs into a prickly woman named Kate (Emma Thompson) with whom he will soon begin a life-altering relationship.

The movie this movie wanted to be: Lost in Translation for the AARP crowd

A better alternative: In the Mood for Love

Yonkers Joe - Joe (Chaz Palminteri), a cheating gambler, is looking to pull off one last score with a set of loaded dice but finds himself pulled in two directions when he is forced to take care of his son Joe Jr., a 20-year-old with Down's Syndrome.

The movie that this movie wanted to be: Rain Man

A better alternative: Robert Altman's California Split

Chandni Chowk to China - An Indian cook goes to India to be a kung-fu fighter with all of the Bollywood trimmings in tow.

The movie this movie wanted to be: The Hindi Kung-Fu Hustle

A better alternative: Lagaan (aka: Once Upon a Time in India)

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