i love it when you call me blog posta: denver premieres for 1/16/09

In a surprise ending to Notorious, the mall cop Paul Blart is revealed as Biggie's murderer.

Pike Pike Pike can't you see - sometimes your blogposts just hypnotize me!

Notorious - Proof positive His Bigness knew he was going to die! What's that? You still don't believe? Well, if he didn't use his hip hop powers to divine a Biggie-less future, then how come he wrote the perfect tagline to this posthumous biopic all the way back in 1993: "If you don't know/now you know."

If you didn't know - now, NOW, you'll know. Eh? Eh? (Dex)

Pray the Devil Back to Hell - Probably, the only film opening this week that isn't a waste of time is this documentary playing over at the Starz FilmCenter. Their synopsis reads:

"Shortly after warlord-turned-president Charles Taylor was elected in 1997, Liberia erupted into civil war for the second time in a decade. Child soldiers ran rampant through the streets of Monrovia, terrorizing the local population, while the opposition group—Liberians United for Reconciliation and Democracy—moved in, destroying much of the countryside as they went. After more than 250,000 people were killed and upwards of a million displaced, thousands of women from around the country banded together to achieve what their male compatriots could not: an end to the killing and a movement toward peace. Mothers and daughters, grandmothers and sisters, Christians and Muslims, all dressed in plain white, gathered together in protest every day for months along President Taylor’s official route, singing and brandishing picket signs. Eventually, peace talks commenced in Ghana—but when even those appeared on the verge of breakdown, these brave women surrounded the building and refused to let the negotiators leave until a deal was brokered. Gini Reticker uses an eye-opening combination of archival footage, international media coverage, and interviews with the activists to create not only an uplifting portrait of human courage in the face of dire circumstances but a record of transformation for an entire nation. Following the culmination of the peace talks, Charles Taylor fled the country and Ellen Johnson Sirleaf was elected the first female president of Liberia."

As for the rest of the movies opening in theaters this week, well, what can I say? Initially I was going to fill this post with some hateful, obscenity-filled bile aimed at these films and the people who made them, but as the inauguration of our next president, Barack Obama, is coming up next Tuesday, I feel we as Americans must turn over a new leaf. It should no longer be acceptable for us to just sit back, nonchalantly resigned to apathy, bitching and blogging about the woes of the world. We must get involved! We must step up to the plate by either providing new ideas to explore or by generating some alternative solutions to the problems of today. So, with that in mind, I will now make my first baby steps into this proactive new world by offering not the angry complaints of yesterday but some helpful alternatives for today. Below I have provided a basic description of the movie being released, the type of film it is aiming to be and an alternative film that I can guarantee will be a more enjoyable viewing experience. Oh, and yes, you are welcome.


Hotel for Dogs - A group of plucky kids build a fantastically automated hotel for dogs while Don Cheadle goes slumming for a buck.

The movie this movie wanted to be: a decaffeinated version of Spy Kids

A better alternative: Babe: Pig in the City


My Bloody Valentine 3-D - Patrick Lussier, Wes Craven's favorite editor (and a director in his own right with such classics as White Noise 2, The Prophecy 3 and Dracula 2000 under his belt), jumps on board the horror remake train. Choo choo, all aboard!

The movie this movie wanted to be: My Bloody Valentine

A better alternative: Pieces


Paul Blart: Mall Cop - Adam Sandler produces and Kevin James stars in this comedy about a mall cop who must thwart a mall break-in.

The movie this movie wanted to be: The Die Hard of mall comedy

Better alternatives: Dawn of the Dead and Chopping Mall


Defiance - Fuck do I hate Edward Zwick! He is one of the most middlebrow, doughy, white-bread, half-assed, Hollywood faux-liberals who, apparently, doesn't realize that his tales of "conscientious" white men embroiled in the plights of various non-white ethnicities are about as reprehensibly racist and backhandedly anti-humanist as you can get. I hope he dies in a horrible car accident. Oh, I'm sorry, I did some backsliding there. What I meant to say was that this is a movie about the Bielski partisans who, formed by three brothers and thirteen of their neighbors, saved 1200 Jews during the Holocaust by hiding them in a dense forest near their home. But come on, do I really need to point out the alarmingly condescending way that the films Glory, The Last Samurai and Blood Diamond treat their non-white characters?

The movie this movie wanted to be: Schindler's List with more shoot-outs

A better alternative: The Battle of Algiers (or if Nazi resistance is your thing then try Andrzej Wajda's Kanal)


Last Chance Harvey - Harvey (Dustin Hoffman) goes to London to attend his daughter's wedding but once there finds that his daughter has chosen to have her stepfather give her away in the ceremony. Dejected, Harvey ends up in an airport bar where he runs into a prickly woman named Kate (Emma Thompson) with whom he will soon begin a life-altering relationship.

The movie this movie wanted to be: Lost in Translation for the AARP crowd

A better alternative: In the Mood for Love


Yonkers Joe - Joe (Chaz Palminteri), a cheating gambler, is looking to pull off one last score with a set of loaded dice but finds himself pulled in two directions when he is forced to take care of his son Joe Jr., a 20-year-old with Down's Syndrome.

The movie that this movie wanted to be: Rain Man

A better alternative: Robert Altman's California Split


Chandni Chowk to China - An Indian cook goes to India to be a kung-fu fighter with all of the Bollywood trimmings in tow.

The movie this movie wanted to be: The Hindi Kung-Fu Hustle

A better alternative: Lagaan (aka: Once Upon a Time in India)
(Pike)

and after the nukes, the only thing left will be roaches and music biopics: denver premieres for 12/5

Jeffrey Wright and Adrien Brody watch the approaching mushroom cloud, confident in the knowledge they will outlast us all.

Our man in Cap Hill Pike Bishop boldly goes so you don't have to:

Cadillac Records- By turning the colorful lives of American R&B, Blues, Country and Rockabilly icons into so many portraits in beige, Hollywood has, for the last thirty years or so, worked hard to Disneyfy the history of our country’s musical heritage with the dreaded subgenre of the music biopic. Due to the fact that most of these movies are written and directed by Baby Boomers (or their sycophantic children), it is hardly surprising to note then, that an insidious undercurrent in all of these biopics is the idea that the music of say a feisty hillbilly hero or a urban/rural negro bluesman will soon find its way to a young and hip white kid from the city (read: suburb) and influence the most perfect form of musical expression ever- Rock and Roll, preferably the late 60s British variety. So when we watch the trailer for the new film Cadillac Records and a see the snippet of the young Rolling Stones approaching the nonplused Muddy Waters (Jeffrey Wright) at the door of a South Side bar and tell him, “We are big fans. We named our band after one of your songs… ” we know in what context the filmmakers want us to view the characters up on the screen. They might as well have had some classic rock dork stand in front of the actors, point and say, “Psssst. That’s Muddy Waters. He made Rock and Roll possible!” To that end, Cadillac Records will do the same for some of the Chess recording artists as say, What’s Love got To Do With It did for (Ike and) Tina Turner or Ray did for Ray Charles or Walk the Line did for Johnny Cash- it will push a couple more best-of compilation albums out the door to the curious only to be brought back again some time later as used-bin fodder for cash or trade.

The stunt casting (and the thinking behind it):

Beyonce Knowles as Etta James (She does what she wants because she is the producer and don’t you forget it.)

Mos Def as Chuck Berry (This one is obvious- He’s the Chuck Berry of Hip-Hop.)

Cedric the Entertainer as Willie Dixon (He’s fat. Get it, Willie Dixon was fat too.)

Eric Bogosian as Alan Freed (He wrote and starred in Talk Radio so he’s perfect for the role of a disc jockey!)

Tony Bentley as Alan Lomax (Well he played Hal B. Wallis, the guy that produced Elvis’ first movie, in that Made-for-TV Elvis movie. Muddy Waters is the Elvis of Blues. So why don’t we get this guy to play Alan Lomax, the guy that produced Muddy’s first field recording. It would be like karma or something.)

The rest of the cast:

Jeffrey Wright as Muddy Waters
Adrien Brody as Leonard Chess
Gabrielle Union as Geneva Wade
Columbus Short as Little Walter
Eamonn Walker as Howlin' Wolf
Kevin Mambo as Jimmy Rogers
Valence Thomas as James Cotton

The Punisher: War Zone- When a comic book movie is dumped onto the market at either end of the summer release schedule, an alarm should go off in your head that says “crap movie.” If you learn that said comic book movie is a 2nd time reboot (as in a third stand-alone movie, for you kids without the math skillz) of a franchise whose only rewards are watching rounds of ammo being fired into the bad guy’s faces and some wicked cool ‘splosions, then that alarm should no longer be necessary. From here on out you are on your own. The word out in the intranets is that The Punisher: War Zone is nerdy hipster manna in that it is so, so very bad that it is good. I love the first line of Roger Ebert’s review where he writes, “You used to be able to depend on a bad film being poorly made. No longer.” There is a sense of pathos and of fear in his proclamation, almost like he has seen what’s coming over the horizon and knows that it can’t be stopped.

Antarctica- Opening at the Starz FilmCenter is this dramedy from Israel. The synopsis they give reads:

Director Yair Hochner gives us a wacky comedy that ignores politics altogether while focusing on its characters’ domestic and romantic problems. And no one has more problems than gay siblings Shirley and Omer. Omer is almost thirty and still hasn’t found himself — or the man of his dreams. A series of disastrous blind dates hasn’t helped. Shirley is a little younger and has already nabbed her dream woman, Michal, owner of the hippest café in town (and Shirley’s boss). But the thought of settling down scares Shirley, who wonders if she’s ready to give up her long-held plan of traveling to Antarctica.

As the siblings sort through their feelings and prepare for adulthood, friends and relatives chime in with their advice and problems of their own. No one has more of either than their “Jewish mother from hell,” Shoshanna, played, in what Hochner describes as a tribute to both the films of John Waters and the late great Divine, by Yoam Huberman, one of Israel’s most talented drag artists.

They Killed Sister Dorothy- Also opening at Starz FilmCenter is this documentary. The synopsis they give reads:

They Killed Sister Dorothy chronicles the legal proceedings that followed the execution-style murder of Sister Dorothy Stang. At seventy-three, the Catholic nun and activist had lived in Brazil for thirty years, collaborating with the government to establish sustainable development in a remote corner of the Amazon. But along the way, she had made enemies among the ranchers who stood to benefit from the exploitation of the rainforest and its natural resources. In 2005, she was shot six times at point-blank range. Two men were arrested for the killing, but it quickly became clear that her death was part of a much greater conspiracy.

A Christmas Tale- Opening last Friday but continuing on this week is A Christmas Tale, the critically-praised French film about a dysfunctional family gathering together for Christmas after the family matriarch learns she is dying from leukemia. It looks like the ensemble cast of character actors is the big draw for this film along with the pleasant structure of vignette-like scenes adding up to an emotionally satisfying whole. It stars Catherine Deneuve, Jean-Paul Roussillon, Mathieu Amalric, Anne Consigny, Melvil Poupaud, and Laurent Capelluto. Directed by Arnaud Desplechin (Kings and Queen)